Control

The physical aspects of cancer treatment and recovery are one thing, but then there’s the psychological part. For me, that means relinquishing freedom and control. Cancer had taken control, and those who would cure me were wrestling control from the Big C. All I could do was go along, follow instructions, submit.

It all came to a head yesterday. I’d been in the hospital a week and the seemingly constant parade of medical people drawing blood, taking vital signs, asking questions, changing IVs, giving instructions, dispensing meds, drawing more blood, and on and on had used up my supply of tolerance and patience. I lost my cool and snapped at a nurse, demanding to be left alone for a few uninterrupted hours. And it worked. They even posted a sign on my door to not disturb until a certain hour.

Then, on the way home from the hospital, finally with a little autonomy to look forward to, I got a call from the chemotherapy place telling me I had a new hydration appointment for later this week. AAAAaaaargh! Give me a fucking break!

The single greatest thing about my nomad life is the ability to run my own life. No one’s agenda to serve, no one I need to please, no one’s schedule to keep or permission to ask. I had retired from all that, escaped it, and lived very happily to tell the story. But the past ten weeks…? All of that had to be surrendered. And it has been exhausting, demoralizing.

Today Ceebs helped talk me down, reminding me the things they want from me were only to heal me as quickly and completely as possible. Yes, of course.

I had imagined hitting the road again in a couple of weeks, after the last meetings with the doctors, and not returning until after Thanksgiving when they’ll do a PET scan and other followup work. But that’s probably not going to happen so soon. I’m adjusting to that reality, accepting it.

I’m alive. I’m feeling better. That’s enough for now.